What does it mean to make love?
Is it just sex? Lust? A bodily connection between two people?
To those of us who are Believers, making love is, and always should be, so much more.
I was prompted by an article that my wonderful brother-in-law’s girlfriend sent to me to address what making love really is – as a Christian, a woman, and just into my twenties. (By the way, go and check out her Instagram, she is beautiful and lovely and full of spirit for Christ!)
In several places in the Bible, to make love with your spouse is to “know” them. I believe that this has a special significance.
Sex was created by God to be a holy, intimate connection between a husband and a wife. In Genesis 4:1 Adam took Eve as his wife and they “knew” each other, then conceiving a son. I believe that this knowledge of each other was not only flesh, it was of mind and heart and spirit too. To make love with someone is to be completely vulnerable, to be completely transparent. Genesis 2:25 says “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Many would read over this and think, ‘Ya, they were just two really good looking people and enjoyed being naked.’ No. Consider looking at the text this way… Before the Fall of man, the first sin, Adam and Eve were not ashamed to bear each others’ souls to one another, they were not afraid to be physically vulnerable, they were not afraid to love, to cherish, to be man and wife. To be naked and unashamed is the intended message of the creation of Eve. Adam needed a companion, God proclaimed it was bad for Adam to be alone, and so He created a wife for Adam that could be totally vulnerable with him in a way nothing and no one else could. To “know” each other is what it should be like this with your spouse.
I think this is part of why young women today are so dependent on men and so detached from God, even those who profess to be Christians. Each time you have sex with a man you are essentially letting that guy look into a place of your soul that was meant for your husband. And each time those men leave, a piece of you goes with them. This is why breakups are so tragic, so heartbreaking, and causing feelings so much (unfortunately) like the feelings of divorce. Those young women who abstain from sex in their premarital relationships (ALL kinds of sex – if it has “sex” in the name, its sex) typically leave relationships without any major heartbreak and without the scars of breaking a sacred promise to God. Young people who can abstain from sex until they are married are then able to have a relationship completely centered on God and less centered on their lust for each other.
Yes, plenty of relationships “work out” after a couple had sex or lived together first. Plenty of relationships beginning with pregnancy and ending in marriage “survive”. But who wants to just survive? Who wants to completely leave God out of the picture of what is supposed to be one of the most special and delicate events of life on this Earth? A union that was created to be honoring to God needs to stay with God.
I’m sure plenty of you are roaring up and ready to defend yourselves. You’re ready to give your excuse as to why you live in sexual sin – but I’m going to stop you right there. Breathe. Listen.
I’m about as far away from perfect in this situation as you can get. I lost my virginity when I was 15 – to a boy who never loved me and never wanted more than sex. I continued in a horrible and destructive pattern of one hook-up after the next – needing to fill the hole – the lonliness that came with being single. I honestly have had so many sexual partners that I can’t recall the number – and it is nothing to brag about. How embarrassing that I can’t tell my husband how many men I have been with.
And through the pain of hookups and breakups and “playing house” by living with men before I was married, I found Christ. He picked me up from the dark, dark, hole I had dug for myself and told me “Follow me”. And I did.
That’s why I’m telling you all of this, that’s why I care. Because I’ve been in the cycle. I’ve been the girl that everyone wanted to be because she always had a cute guy to hold on to. I’ve been the girl that everyone hated because she was always sleeping around with the cute guys. I’ve been crushed. I’ve been forgotten. I’ve destroyed friendships and relationships I can never recover.
But God used all those mistakes and hurdles to bring me to Him. He will bring you to Him too… Just follow.
I have the most amazing marriage with a man who loves God more than he loves me. We began our relationship seeking God and because of our love for Christ we fight every day to be the best for each other – to love each other the way Christ calls us to.
That’s what you deserve: to make LOVE. Not to sleep around and have your heart broken. Follow Christ and He will hear the desires of your heart. Follow Christ and though you may be counter-culture and hated by society, you will find a man who will love you as Christ loved the Church – a man who will stand by you, protect you, and sweep you off your feet again and again.
The desires for that kind of love aren’t wrong – but it is wrong to act on those desires before you are in a covenanant with God and the man you will be with forever.
So what now? What do you do if you’re in a cycle of sin?
First, pray to God. Ask him to help you, to show you the way, to break the cycle, and to show you that He is enough.
Second, visit this website. Whether you are trapped in this cycle or not – this is an excellent resource. There are also several books I would recommend found here and here as well as Beth Moore’s blog.
Christians make love before they are even married. They make love every time they stop themselves from partaking in sex before marriage. They make love by pushing away lust that they have for other individuals. They make love by being true to their promise.
And someday, in God’s perfect timing, the man God created you for will appear in your life and you’ll be praising God you had the strength to wait for him, because it was all worth it.
Please know I’m praying for each one of you – those in sexual sin and not. I pray that God deliver you the person who will be your partner throughout this life. I pray that God give you strength and wisdom in your life prior to meeting your spouse. I pray for your joy in this restraint, that one day you may be proud of yourself.