Trying to Concieve… Battles of the Heart

Romans 8:28 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

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There are very few struggles in life that feel as helpless as this one.

After suffering through a miscarriage earlier this year, Jared and I were forced to face some unexpected realities. The first was the desire to conceive. We had talked about children from the very beginning – that we would wait until he was in dental school to have our first child. But to be honest, losing our first baby in February made it all too real – and the desire to have a child now flooded our minds. The second reality was that due to my exposure to chemo-radiation we may never be able to conceive and carry full term. And the third was that it was entirely NOT up to us. God had already revealed to us that our plan was not His, or rather His was not ours, and shifting our frame of mind to accept God’s plan as our own has been nothing short of a battle.

We, in general, often think of having children as another step in life. After we have a steady enough job with a steady enough lifestyle and steady enough savings we can try to make a baby and then POOF, we are pregnant and our masterful plan worked after all. But the truth is God delivers you with a child when it is His timing, when it is best for you. At this junction of my life that is a hard truth to remember and I find myself repeating it daily, almost like a mantra, “God wants what is best for you”.

I know so few people who actually conceived right when they wanted to – and not one of them would take back their child or their journey. Why? Because God’s timing truly is perfect and without waiver He continues to care for and protect us even when we feel as if He left us on the train tracks.

Truth is, you’ll never be perfectly ready to have a baby. There will never be enough time, or money, or security, or knowledge to feel like you are 100% prepared. Most of our friends and family would say that we are crazy and naïve to want a child so soon. The bottom line is that God will deliver us with a child when He sees fit. He knows our hearts, our desires, and He knows that we don’t have all our “ducks in a row”. The timing is His, not ours. We must only trust.

Trust though, can be difficult, especially when your heart is yearning for something you can’t control. I think humans, and myself especially, love to cradle our false sense of control. We like to think that if we do enough things right, or take our time, or plan far enough ahead, that nothing can catch us by surprise and our life’s “master plan” will turned out exactly how we had imagined. Its just that though, false. Ever get tired of your plans failing over and over and over? Ever feel like you want to give up because no matter how hard you try things just don’t work out? Maybe that’s a sign that you are trying to follow your own path, and not God’s. Maybe now is the time to step back and put your trust in Jesus, that He will lead you and help you always.

I yearn for a baby, and though I finally feel like I am giving this up to Christ so that this weight can be lifted from my shoulders, I want to yank it back. I want to figure out how to do this on my own. But that isn’t the way. Having Christ as a savior means we can sit at His feet and lean up against Him. Trusting Christ means knowing that there is a plan, that we are important, and that for each hurt, bump in the road, and hurdle, there is a purpose.

The other fear that accompanies wanting a child so badly is that the desire for a baby would supersede our desire for Jesus. Idolatry comes in all forms, from our love lives to our hobbies and it can be a vicious rope around our hearts, pulling us from our Creator. I think this is one of the strongest reasons to give your fears, desires, and hurts to the Lord. Because He will take care of you – He will deliver you with, when the time is right, your deepest wishes and hopes – maybe even ones you didn’t know you had. The Bible tells us to flee from our idols, to turn to Jesus. (1 Corinthians 10:14)All you have to do is trust and love him with your whole heart, mind, body, and spirit. Be a servant to the Lord.

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Pray for us, pray for me, that we can continue to give this but to our Lord. But also pray for yourself, for your loved ones, and for the complete strangers you pass each day, that they can give up their struggles, fears, and hurts to Jesus, sit at His feet, lean against Him, and breathe.


3 thoughts on “Trying to Concieve… Battles of the Heart

  1. Tes, so much is in God’s hands. Many couples go through struggles to have children, some may never and yet have wonderful, full lives together.


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