I woke up this morning and could hardly believe it. Has it really been 38 weeks since giving birth to this vibrant, loving, smiling boy? I remember with excruciating detail how long the wait of 38 weeks of pregnancy was and I am having the hardest time grasping that they both were the same amount of time! Now, the days seem so short and time is flying. Each day Atlas discovers something new and it creates this twisted sense of despair and joy to see him grow so fast. The days of pregnancy were long, painful, and full of anxiety. It seemed that our baby would never come and that pregnancy was truly never ending (what an AWFUL thought!). The contrast between those two types of days has given me a lot of ponder.
Part of me knows that the length of day directly depends on your attitude… if you’re just waiting (patiently or not) for the day to be over it will drag, seeming to almost extend itself just to spite you. And those glorious, happy days that seem to fly – well, that’s because you never want them to end. So what is the solution in all of this? How do we embrace time for what it is? I turned to the Word which I think states beautifully “Give thanks in all circumstances.” (1Thess 5:18) Rejoice in those painfully long days of a teething toddler. Find joy in the aches of a big pregnant belly. There is happiness to be had in that we are God’s children and He is for us! Psalm 90:12 says “Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” I think that the biggest thing I have learned these nearly 18 months is that God crafts EVERYTHING for our good… so when the trials seem to be building, smile. He is planning something for you! He is for you! (Romans 8:31) When you are at the end of yourself, rejoice! When you feel like you can’t go on any longer, take heart, God is working in you!
I am trying to be brave in all of this. Brave in all of the things I just don’t know about motherhood and babies and toddlers and children (eek!). Brave in knowing when to ask for help. Brave in coming to God and my husband and my son to ask for forgiveness when needed. Brave in admitting when I am wrong. Brave in the unknown.
There is true comfort in knowing that all of my trials were crafted for me by my Maker to teach me something – something about discipleship or mothering or depending on God alone or… well anything – because God has been teaching me a lot lately…
So 38 weeks looks a little different than I thought it would… It looks like more joy than I ever imagined possible and a hope for the future that penetrates every facet of our lives. It looks like giggles and slobbery open mouthed smooches from a darling little boy. It looks like tears because of being put down and tears because of hunger and tears because of having another diaper change and tears that don’t really have a name. Its nap time cuddles and the sweet smell of the top of my son’s head. Its the sigh that comes with finally coming downstairs after putting the baby down for bedtime and crawling into my husband’s arms. It looks like the pile of laundry that never stops existing – or growing for that matter. Its more prayer and more time on my knees before Jesus. Its little decisions and big decisions and a lot of in between. Its absolutely wonderful… truly.