The past few months have been… hectic. That seems to me an understatement, but an outsider would look at our lives and say ‘hectic’ so I suppose I will too. This post is mostly a conglomeration of thoughts – more akin to word-vomit – but even so, there is a time and a place to ramble, to catch up, to exchange woes, etc.
I’ve been having a lot of ‘misthoughts’ : a word that does not exist outside the borders of my brain, but I’ve been having them. They are something like a mistake or a misstep – but also the feeling of loss – like the loss of one’s brain.
And here we are, 2 months after my last post, misthoughts galore, and I can’t seem to put my heart back into the blog. Because honestly, my heart is occupied. I am worried. Stressed. Sad. Grieving in the background of life. Hopeful. Joyous over my little bear. Content in the in-between moments of life with my husband. And exhausted.
Did I mention exhausted?
And all that to say that thinking about the blog is a misthought – I just don’t think about it. Or the things I would normally think about so that I could write for the blog. The thoughts just aren’t there. A case of the misthoughts.
Over Thanksgiving Break I decided to leave Instagram – one of the better decisions I have made over the course of motherhood might I add. You know how the Bible says that you can’t serve two masters? You can’t serve your family and your social life – not well at least. There will always be those moments when you are flipping through Facebook and your little one is tugging on your pant leg saying “mama mama!” and you say “just one minute sweetie, mama is busy.” Indeed you are busy – busy with something that is a nothing – something that does not have eternal value – or value of any kind really. A waste of time. A mistake. A misthought.
So out when Instagram. Then Facebook. (Sorry if you have been trying to contact me by the way – try my email.) And today my phone goes inactive so there goes my data plan, texting, and a plethora of temptation. I’m actually really excited about life without an iPhone, but I will save that for another post.
And though these things are good – I would even say excellent – they do make it very hard to (laboriously) walk up the stairs, grab my computer, sit down, and write it out. Especially when we don’t want Atlas on screens. And now Atlas doesn’t ever want to sleep. Which makes screen hiding hard. But that, too, is another post.
(This is sounding like a long list of excuses – but hang in there.)
A few weeks ago we learned that we had another miscarriage. Our second since having Atlas, and our third total, meaning we are now considered high – risk for pregnancy. Honestly… talking about it seems to be easier than thinking about it. Another misthought.
We feel sad… is that too vague? Its the most dominate emotion in my heart right now. The day in day out emotion that fills in the gaps between all the blissfully happy moments with Atlas and Jared. We were excited. I was excited. And after telling our families and a few close friends – their excitement made us more excited – which makes the grief a harder burden to carry.
Its hard not to be bitter or angry. Its hard to turn to God. I keep repeating His promises to myself over and over again. ‘You are the daughter of the Most High.” “He has a plan.” “He would withhold no good thing from you.” “He does all for His glory and our good.” But it sometimes just feels like head knowledge. Something you say to say – not something you believe at the core of your being. The way I want to believe. The way I should believe. A misthought.
Lastly – buying a house is not my favorite extracurricular activity. In fact, I despise it. I always imagined it being so fun – you browse the houses for sale and LOOK! The perfect little 1900’s Craftsman home with exposed beams and HEY! Its in your price range! And you buy it that day with no money down and life is AWESOME!
Stupid liars. Buying a house is NOT like that. Lame. So we are on house number 3 now – the offer was just accepted this morning and now we just have to survive the inspections and appraisal. Please be in prayer for us on that one – we so want to be done house shopping.
And that’s my gripe story. And my misthoughts. And your opportunity to be in prayer for me and my family.
And as much as I want to write for the blog on all the topics I have written down, my heart is too full to write on them. SO it will likely be super yummy food for awhile and probably some cool knits – because hey – when you are hoping to close the sale on a really cute english cottage in the Iowa countryside – you better know how to knit.
Love to you all… praying for my readers every night. Praying that this blog – as random and goofy and granola as it may be, will touch the lives of some – would shine the light of God’s love and mercy and kindness and could aid in bringing the lost home.